Ever Thought About Proposing to a Man?
Or: Why more women should think about making a wedding proposal and men should be aware of that too.
2020 is a weird year for almost everyone (except everyone who owns a lot of gold or is in the pharma-industry). For my boyfriend the whole Corona thing came at the worst time. He just launched his app, which is for the hospitality business — great right? No one is travelling right now. No one is going out. So especially the summer was nerve wrecking. He and his co-founder tried everything to keep the company alive. To sum it up, the summer was shitty for him.
From my perspective, the summer started out great. I started a new job in February and have since then fallen in love with my work and finished my extra occupational study. I graduated in July and felt very very very mature afterwards, like I have reached another milestone.
Before my final exam, in this hard core studying phase, I had days on which the sheer sight of my studying material drove me insane and therefore, I distracted myself, therefore I distracted myself — or let’s say, I allowed myself to take a mental break. My mind wandered in many different directions. One train of thought was more desirable than the others — it was the one pointing me towards engagements and weddings. You have to know, I had been waiting for a proposal from my boyfriend since the day we met. But nothing had happened. At this point I have to add that my boyfriend has never had a proper relationship before, so he was maximally inexperienced and uneducated with “when it came to what you should do when”. We had the same issue with our “saying I love you for the first time” and the question “Are we exclusive or?”. As you can probably imagine, I was the one who initiated the topics.
Due to his previous non-actions, I had a feeling that my patience would be exhausted by the time he would have the idea to propose. But nevertheless I did not give up hope. But while my thoughts wandered I realized that there is another way to get engaged and to spark the initial impulse for a wedding.
Just do the proposal yourself.
That thought hit me hard.
….one thing I never corrected myself on…
I am a person who is sensitive to gender-topics, to old stereotypes and old-fashioned, expired cliche-associations. I challenge them, I try to eliminate them and overcome them. Simply put: I just don’t like them. But one thing I had never thought about — one thing I never corrected myself on was the old and traditional “He will propose to me!” — attitude. Do not get me wrong. There is nothing bad about a guy proposing to his partner. That is beautiful! The point is, that we do not even think about the possibility that i can be the other way around. Me included. We are not considering that both parties in a relationship can propose. Both options are allowed. It can be done by either partner.. Both can decide to do it. It is not a question of gender. It is about “who feels it, who wants it, who has the time, the mental power, the financial resources (yes, of course it is a financial topic too — I will talk about that later) ,…”. The person who has it can do it.
What I want to let the world know: If it is your biggest wish, that you want your boyfriend to propose to you — that is fine. Keep that wish. But I just want to remind couples that there is no “You have to do that, because you are the man.” or “Of course he has to propose, he is the man!”. That is based on the same singular principles as “A woman has to cook in the kitchen.” or “A woman has to watch the kids.”
The decision should not be based on gender but other factors.
Let’s move on with the story time.
So I finished my final exam and immediately afterwards I reconsidered my ideas about the proposal and decided to do it. Why? Because I can, because I want to and because I caught myself not considering doing the proposing myself for years. Additionally I thought it would be a great push for his tenacious start-up-journey. This also implies that he had not the mental as well as the financial power to propose to me — because as we know from the beginning of the story, I had already been waiting for a proposal a couple of years and I expected a decent diamond (please do not take that too seriously) and start-up-people do not have that kind of money for private occasions.
Okay, so I decided to do it. My first thought was “Am I taking something away from him? Am I taking a long standing “symbol” for masculinity away from him?”. This question accompanied me for the first few days. But the more often I talked about that topic with my friends, the more ridiculous the question became to me.
The answer is “No. I am not taking something away from him because what exactly would I be talking away? Masculinity is not defined by who proposes. But even if so, every human has masculin and feminine traits.”.
The next obstacle: Do I buy a ring? What should the engagement-symbol/gift be?
I started researching due to my lack of confidence — yes, I still had some doubts about the proposal (not because I did not want to do it, but because it was such a super new thing and there were no existing stories or experiences or something like a back up that could help me to cope with my new project). Google presents you with some cute narratives of strange couples who write about their engagement-story but there are not very many (at least in Austria, Germany). There was no blog entry, no video that I could identify myself with regarding the situation I was facing.
Some women gifted their partners with watches and some with identical bracelets. None of those ideas satisfied me. Hence I decided to go with rings. “I will buy wedding rings now, so he can buy me an engagement ring later for the wedding.” Sounded like a plan I felt comfortable with but the next obstacle was not that far away. Which ring size?
Oh boy, that was the first moment I could relate to how all men must feel during this proposal-preperation-phase.
I thought about several ways to do it and I also tried to measure the ring size with a piece of paper while he was sleeping — but let me tell you, that does not work. Ring sizes are measured in millimeters. Millimeters! If you are just one or two millimeters wrong — you will have to adjust the ring anyway. But that was not a big deal. The place I bought the rings at, gave me a men-standard-sized ring for the proposal and ensured me they would swap out or adjust the ring afterwards.
I had planned to propose on the day of our anniversary, on which we were supposed to be on vacation in Croatia. Unfortunately Corona had different plans. Three days before we wanted to go to Croatia, before our anniversary, travel restrictions were imposed and we had to change plans. I had to change my plan. I called the hotel in Croatia and canceled the reservation, canceled dinner (with a private table, romantic stuff and so on). After stressful hours looking for a similar accommodation for the next few days we luckily found a great place. It was an old balsamico factory in Italy.
The D day arrived and due to spontaneous Corona-changes I had not reserved a table at some fancy restaurant. Instead I did it in the romantic garden of the balsamico factory. It was just the two of us. And fun fact: I hadn’t answered the question for myself whether I should go down on one knee or not but did it anyway. It was just a natural reaction. And it was perfect. And his response was perfect.
The last thing I have to add to this topic: Doing something pretty new (like a proposal for a woman) can be scary at some point. I was highly nervous through those two months and could not properly eat. But deciding to do it, and doing it, is way easier if you have the right partner, who never gives you the feeling that you can’t or shouldn’t do something just because you are the woman. He never gave me that feeling. It was more the opposite. He has always encouraged me when I was scared of something. He has never embraced old stereotypes or praised them in some way.
I wrote this article due to my perceived lack of awareness regarding this topic. Additionally I felt pretty lonely through the whole engagement-journey because there are so few stories about women proposing and all the thoughts, doubts and problems that come with making the decision.
Men and women can propose. Just think about that. Nothing else.
Thanks, Johanna Woh
